Home

I still find it strange how our definition of home is changed over the course of time. Before, it was always where mom and dad was; where your room was with all the stuff you've accumulated over time; where you felt a break from the world, almost. While it's basically the same in that it's where your parents are, etc., the whole concept of home has changed for me.

I now find myself homesick for somewhere that doesn't meet the above criteria completely. I guess home changes as you get older and while it doesn't mean that you love your parents any less, it just means you've outgrown the idea of staying home in a state of constant constancy (if that makes any sense). I'm homesick for the city I've lived in for five years that didn't include living with my family. Now that I'm actually somewhere considered home, I want to go to my 'home' I've had. I miss the independence, the awareness of all my surroundings, the people I grew to know and love.

I use to feel homesick for my family and didn't think that homesickness could refer to anything else. But, I get it now. I've diagnosed my own problem and I miss everything I left behind. At the same time, if I were to go back to the place I'm missing, would I have another homesickness for the place I left? All this sickness is giving me a disease. I was actually watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy where Chang said that Meredith was living at an 8, and I feel like that's how I'm living my life at the moment. I just don't know what the remedy is at this point in my life. I'm still figuring that out. But I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's for sure.

(Listening to "Float on"~~Modest Mouse..."Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on alright...")

Take a sad song and make it better

I just realized that my title of the blog is take a sad song and make it better...I'm sorry too that I'm doing a shitty job of doing that at this point. I will try to take that line to heart in the morning when I'm not as emotional.

Regret

I've decided I have a love/hate relationship with the night. I love night because that's when I'm most productive and night time is just more motivating than the day hours. There are other reasons too, but I'm not gonna list them. I'm just basically a night-owl. The hate part is that since the wheels are turning more at night, I have way too much to think about and many emotions to rifle through. By the time it's morning, I probably got half a restful night of sleep. Night time brings peace and chaos, happiness and depression, darkness with twinkling rays of light and just darkness. I hate being left to think about all the things that bother me: make me sad, afraid, useless. I could have had the best day ever, and night time comes along and I think of all the things I shoved aside so I could actually just deal with the day. I'm gonna spill out my guts here for a moment because I need a night companion.

I think I made a mistake. Big time. And while I thought that already with the first big disaster I got myself into, I think I'm making another mistake. I'm too god damn indecisive for my own well being. I thought leaving would be better. I weighed out my pros and cons and knew that I wouldn't be happy; couldn't get myself in that routine. But the thing with me is that, as always, I let my impatience get the better of me. I ran like a coward and didn't stay to weigh the options. At the time, it felt like I was hyperventilating and I had to leave right away. Looking back, I think that if someone would have told me to just stay a week and figure it out--if someone would have asked me to stay and give it time, maybe, just maybe, I'd be in a different situation. I'm thinking of that now.

If I gave it time, would I be here? So many regrets and too many hours to think about them. I wish I would have calmed down and had someone tell me to wait. That completely new places and situations where you are out of your element are scary. That the first reaction is to run, but you have to be stronger and patient. So many shoulda, coulda, woulda's....

If a certain someone reads this, know that I'm sorry and I regret what I've done. I know I've reached the point of no return, but from the pit of my soul I am sorry. I am sorry I couldn't be a better person. That I let you down. That I couldn't be there to be a friend, a crying shoulder, a sister, a guardian, whatever it is that I could be. I am completely lost without the friends I have left behind. I'm just sorry I realize all this too late in the game. But that's me isn't it? A little too late, right....

I hate the night.... ;(

It's just EmOtIoNs taking me over...

Looking through all my posts, I noticed how my writing seems to be well inspired by pure emotions, especially those of loneliness, nervousness, anger, sadness, and regret. I don't think I even have many inspired by joy. So does that mean I write better when I'm not in the best of moods? Am I the female Edgar Allan Poe of this generation? Well, considering I haven't published anything yet, I would say no for now, but seriously. I am moved to write by emotion. It makes sense, though. It's an outlet to let out anxieties, or speak of the inner turmoil that's in the mind. Sometimes seeing it written down lets you analyze things better.

It's funny how I have all these novel ideas to work on, yet I waste my time writing on the blog. It's probably because it's easier because I'm not coming up with plot lines, character development, etc. I'm just doing what I do best: blathering and bitching on in my artistic way. Lol. So today I'm not gonna talk about my loneliness or blah blah blah, I'm just gonna comment on how my emotions are my muse and move on...

I'll start on those novels now...maybe.

(Listening to "The Times They are A'Changing"~~Tracy Chapman's version... "Oh you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone, cause the times they are a' changing...")

LoNeLy

I don't think I've felt this alone in quite some time. I sat at the dock today thinking about everything I've left behind. I came to NY for family, and left all friends behind. I feel like I left a whole life behind that I can't get back. I'm lonely. Family is great, don't get me wrong, but everyone needs friends to turn to; to hang out with, etc. And I have lost that for what will seem like a long time...Sigh. I can't help but thinking I made a mistake; that my life recently has been a lot of mistakes served with a helping of regrets. I hate it. I don't know, maybe it's my hormones having free reign, or I just have too much free time to think about my life. Either way, it's a bit dismal at the moment. Here's a poetry corner for the day.

I give too much and don't get enough back

I feel so much it should be illegal

I can only do so much in this world to make everything right

I'm trying to make up for the things I lack.

I'm all for a fresh start; to go out on my own

I'm scared of what actually lies ahead of me

I'm scared of what I'm leaving behind

I'm a lonely girl treading water alone.

So give me the patience

Give me the strength

Give me the fortitude

Give me a chance.

That's all I want world. Is that too much to ask?

(Listening to "All Over You"~~Spill Canvas "This life is way too short to get caught up in all this stuff....")

Girl on a mission

So I'm starting to actively pursue jobs in NY now, and I mean serious business. No little jobs that will get me nowhere. I'm on a mission to succeed and make myself feel better. My first step was applying for a job with MTV copy editing online production material. I will be the happiest person ever if I get this job because it's a step closer to getting with Rolling Stone someday. What better a leap than MTV to RS! So I'm feeling a little better now. I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket, however; I know better. There is probably no way I'm going to get the job, but I'm proud at myself for trying. I can only hope there are bigger and better things out there for me. I'm ready world, just give me a chance!

(Listening to "Use Somebody"~~Kings of Leon "I hope it's gonna make you notice, someone like me..." Pick me, pick me!)

Perseids

I saw the earth cry tonight; her million eyes in the night sky tried to blink back the tears that were to come. Sometimes she succeeded and only the blinking seen in the twinkling of her starry eyes revealed any true emotion, but even the earth succumbs to such pricks of humanity sometimes. Across her face, fiery streaks streamed down to betray either happiness or sadness. Sometimes the streaks were fast, as if she bid the clouds to wipe them away before anyone could see--embarrassed. At other times, she flaunted her vulnerability and let the tears have a slow, gleaming reign that left you breathless with wetness on your cheeks. She sighed in the wind, perhaps even letting a chuckle brush across your ear at the same time. As I look into her eyes of glimmering whites and yellows, I can only hope that she is happy in this moment; that she sheds tears of joy for the lucky human race this night.

(Listening to "Wish you were here"~~Incubus "The sky resembles a back lit canopy, with holes punched in it..." I saw beauty blossom tonight)

Do you like dreaming of things so impossible or only the practical...

A wise friend once told me "Whatever happens, happens. Don't regret the decision. You can always change it later," and I'm trying to go off those words. I sat in the bathtub last night, that amazingly has these jet things to make it more like a hot tub, but with cooler water...ahh, but I digress (I love baths, sorry). Anyway, I sat there thinking of the decisions that led me to this point and while I do have my regrets about my decisions, I'm gonna try and move on and make something positive about it. I can't stop dreaming or put my life on hold because I'm too busy trying to contemplate the bad choices I make in life. I'm gonna go one day at a time and make something of this new life that I'm starting, whether it be here in NY or in IN.

I have to think of the practical, not the impossible. The Beatles once said, "happiness is a warm gun," and it is very much like that in that I have to pull the trigger. Play a Russian roulette, if you will, on my state of being. One day I will pick the right chamber and be really happy, but for now, I'm hitting the empty chambers; it's one game I want to lose at.

I'm gonna get a move on here and make something of myself before time passes me by, and while time does that, it can heal a few wounds on the way.

(Listening to "So Impossible"~~ "...or waiting through all your bad days just to end them..." I'm always playing the waiting game; the life of an impatient person)

LoSt

"Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost.

Doesn't mean I'll stop.

Doesn't mean I'm in a cross...

Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I'm hurt.

Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved, no better and no worse.

I just got lost. Every river that I've tried to cross.

Every door I ever tried was locked.

Ooh, ooh, and I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...."

This song couldn't have said it better than how I'm feeling at the moment. In the past week I've decided things for myself that while made me feel like the lowest of the low, yet made me realize how strong I can be at the same time. It's weird. I feel like a grown up and at the same time, a little kid all over again.

The story? Sigh. Well here's the deal. For the past 2 years I lived with 3 other friends in an apartment. Recently, the lease was over and no one was resigning it. One of my friends in the apartment ended up getting a job there and wanted to stay while the others were either moving home or pursuing jobs elsewhere. I think a part of me wanted to stay because I didn't want to lose the security and happiness that comes from friendship and a naive sense that everything would turn out ok. I thought that I would be happy because my friends were happy; because I didn't want to leave my friends and the life I had known for over 5 years. Sigh.

So with that in mind, I decided to sign a lease with one of my best friends in an apartment 30 minutes north from where we were and that was closer to her work. I thought I could get a job up there and that everything would be perfect. It was a nice apartment and place. Well, I never did my homework on the area. It was an hour and a half by bus to work, and I'm car-less; which also means an hour and a half from any friends I had made over time. I was also pretty far from getting to places by foot. In a sense, I was lost in the what seemed to be the middle of nowhere with no support.

I had my doubts when signing the lease, but never voiced my opinion on the matter. So we moved in and that night it was like this pressure pushed down on my chest and opened my eyes to what I had done. I was away from family, familiar places and friends, and had no job nearby or a job resembling anything remotely what I wanted to do. I made a mistake to make my friend happy because her happiness meant I would be happy, because friends have good times, and that I would still lead the same life I'd been leaving. I was stupid and didn't think things out.

After an emotional night of sleep involving being so upset I actually puked, I confronted her the next day and told her I couldn't do it. I hated being there. I would look around the apartment and the boxes I didn't open and cry harder thinking of the mistake I had made and I HATED it. I wanted to throw stuff, break stuff. Anything to just do something. I don't think I've ever cried for 12 hours straight before. So we tried to talk about it and work it out, but I made up my mind. I wasn't staying. So the night after that, I packed up and left, leaving behind a chair, desk, and possibly the friendship of one of my best friends.

So now she's hurt and doesn't trust me in the least anymore, I'm gonna have to pay over a thousand so she doesn't have to move and I don't have to break the lease, and I've probably lost the friendship of those in the circle we traveled in. I just feel like dirt.

I decided I was miserable, and I know that my happiness means my friend's unhappiness and it's awful. Not only did I hurt her, but I hurt her family, who was like a second family to me, and that kills me even more.

I feel hollow. I feel like there's no way I can feel anything anymore, except for lost. Even though I'm hurting, it doesn't mean I'm hurt, like the song says. I'm hurting because my decision affects others. I've gotten what I deserve because I made choices later and this is the price I pay. Every door I've tried is locked.....

But I'm trying to dredge up a better life for myself; one that will make me happy and independent. I want to map out my life so I'm no longer lost. I just hope that happens soon...

( Listening to "Lost"~~Coldplay "You might be a big fish in a little pond, doesn't mean you've won, 'cause along may come a bigger one..." the bigger one being life coming down on you...oh my)