Man, I haven't really been in the mood to write lately. I feel like a failure of an English major at this point! But I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do. It's not enough to want to write or edit; I have to get up off my ass and work for it. I'm sitting here all cozy thinking that just because I have a job at the moment that I don't have to try hard to find another one. Well, I'm a freaking barista, big whoop. It pays the bills but does nothing more the brain. My talent is being robbed day by day. It has almost been a complete year since graduation and where am I? In the same place I've always been, and I've been thinking about this very idea of where I am. I am, in essence, afraid of change or not ready for it although I am the type who loves changes...does that even make sense?I just feel like my life has always had some order in what I'm supposed to do. I was always SUPPOSED to go to school, so off I went for like, 18 years of my life. Well now what? It's not like I'm just assigned a job: I have to find one in an economy as dependable as a Walmart imitation huggie diaper.
Why isn't my situation affecting me hard? Why aren't I ambitious? Shouldn't I be freaking out and trying my hardest to show people that I am beautifully amazing at what I do when you give me the chance? Why can't I find motivation, seriously? I can't even answer this question and I should. The only thing I can think of is that I did find a little niche after school in a job that while does not flaunt my abilities, at least keeps me comfortable in conformity and the basic security of normalcy.
But I'm dying inside. My skills are being wasted away and I lack the patience to move forward. I need some sort of spark to get me going. I love to write. I love to proofread. I loved my internship. If someone could only just give me the chance to do what I love, I would have a purpose again. Instead I'm stuck babbling away on a blog that I myself don't even follow. Sigh. this is depressing.
(Listening to "Ground Zero"~~Chris Cornell " and the people don't care, where in the world you gonna go, who in the world you gonna hold when all the world keeps holding on to ground zero..."Where will I go?)
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