Shadows

I feel like I'm coming down off of a high. After being at one with the sea and isles of the Caribbean, I have to step off of the sandy beaches and onto the concrete path that is reality. As such, reality has a way of grounding you so fast that you don't even have time to register the skinned elbows until you feel the warm trickle down your forearm.

Being back makes me remember everything that I still have left to do and what I left to rot while I was away. Now I'm more impatient than ever and uncertain at the same time. This rush also makes me think some pretty crappy things, like maybe I shouldn't care so much about people. People seem to slow and complicate things, right? If I didn't have ties to family or friends or care so much about how what I do affects others or how much I need them in my life as well, I feel like I'd probably be a different person in the positive....I would have probably explored foreign countries, take time in college to do things that would guarantee jobs, move and do whatever I wanted without consequences...

But as it is, I care too much about other people and their influence in my life. As such, it seems my chore in life to hurt one group of people on an alternating basis. And now, I'm referring to moving--again. When I left the first time, I hurt my best friend. Once I move the second time, I'm hurting my family. It's been this battle the whole time. I wouldn't hurt so much if people didn't care about me and I didn't care about them. And that's an awful thing to think, I know. But it's true. If I came from a family with that disease where you are antisocial/socially inept, I wouldn't even care.

But I love people and I love too much. People shouldn't have to choose between who they have to hurt or how much pain they can take when the make the decision. Maybe people like me aren't really people, but shadows taking shape when the light makes its appearance. Didn't someone once say we are but dust and shadows? Maybe I understand that more past the reference of dust being death.

But there it is a nutshell. I care and will always care and only time will tell the difference between a person and a shadow.

(Listening to "Aqueous Transmission"~~Incubus "I'm in this boat alone, floating down a river named emotion. Will I make it back to the shore or drift into the unknown.....")

About that glass...

So I'm busy trying to fill my glass back up. It might be counter-productive because that means I'm pulling more toward the optimistic side of life but I think a person can only have so much negative, right? I'm gonna try to think positively. Writing this, I'm thinking that if anyone were to read my blog straight through, you would swear I was a lazy bipolar woman! But positive thinking is the downfall of optimists, which is why I probably fail all the time. I'm gonna try to be the cure, the panacea, if you will.

So here's too half empty glasses getting a refill because I sure could use one!

(Listening to "Somedays"~~Regina Spektor "some days aren't yours at all, they come and go as if someone else's days...."

How is your glass?

Why am I an optimist? I've been pondering this for a while now. I have a way of setting my hopes so high or thinking that the best will come out of things, when in reality everything always seems to be a big let down in the end. I don't think I can believe in luck anymore either. I don't think luck is ever on anyone's side. If I don't have it, then no one can. Can I have something go right? Do something right? Have something come my way? Well I'll tell you one thing. If something does, it's not that little heifer lady luck that is gonna have a hand in it. I need to stop building myself up for let downs. I need to get my head out of the clouds. Does this mean I have to be more selfish in my quest to live my own life? Is that the life of a pessimist? I don't know if I can do that, but this optimism stuff is really starting to piss me off and break off more pieces of me then I care to count.

Tonight, my glass is half-empty.

(Listening to "Bend and Not Break"~~Dashboard Confessional "I'm talented with reason. I cover all the angles, I can fail before I ever try...")