Thursday, August 28, 2008

Sleep--Azure Ray


So my best friend had a blog that accompanies songs with stories; the emotions they elicit.


This is my futile attempt because listening to this song made me think of this. Hope you like it.


She stares out from yellowed windows in a yellow painted room, gazing into the orange haze of streetlights and ozone below her. She blows smoke out of fingers riddled with snagged and torn nails from the unsightly habit of biting them till the cuticles no longer exist and the nail beds provide no rest for anything.

She stares longingly out into the haze, forming smoke rings with her red, parched lips. She could be thinking or she could be in a medicated daze. All she knows is that the cold bed is not inviting and the night has only just begun.

She puts out her cigarette in a large pink seashell rioting with black ashes and older butts and reaches in her pocket for her pack. Her fingers brush the light film of plastic on the pack and she hesitates, debating whether her need for her drug, her lifeline in the lonely world, is extreme.

Instead, her hands fall to the the side, sweeping past the chilled metal on the rims of her wheelchair. In the corner, the haggard nurse coughs, waiting for her drugs to take her away from the tired world and into a restful slumber un-riddled by cigarette butts and broken dreams.

One is the loneliest number...


Sentimentality.

Nostalgia.


Some random things that pop into being when the floors stop creaking, the night air begins blowing, and the lights are out. Why is it that the night can bring on such feelings of loneliness even though you've had a fine day, week, etc?


I guess it's because when you're an insomniac like me, you have a lot to ponder about. For instance, I was reading something online, a midnight snack for the brain sort to speak, and I came across people who miss others in their lives. This made me think of the people who have come and gone in my own life. I miss the ones who are still around, and the ones who should still be.


Loneliness.



I've come to accept that it doesn't have to be depressing and mean that you have no friends or family, because I do. I just think that being lonely means that at the end of the day, you want someone to actually end it with. But, if that person isn't there, either because they don't actually appear in your life or other reasons, that is Not where the loneliness I speak of comes from.

It comes from the fact that you are left with your harshest critic, your childhood fears you haven't quite let go of, and all the insecurities you tuck away with the sheets in the bed you made in the morning.

I guess all this rambling means is that I'm afraid to be left alone with my own thoughts, hence making me lonely. I mean, in all honesty, I don't mind keeping myself company. I would have to be crazy to not like myself :) But I guess a busy mind is an easier one to work with, but not when it comes time for sleep. To drown your mind with the lulls of the nothingness that surrounds you as sleep falls upon you.

Is this how insomniacs feel? Am I a insomniac as well as a possible hypochondriac in denial?

See it's things like these that I am left to wonder about and I'm not too thrilled with it. If I had an off switch for my brain, I would press it so that I can lay my head down for the night, both physically and mentally.

All work and no sleep makes the brain a rambling sheep...


Sigh...well I'm going to go off on my own devices now.

Pleasant dreams to those who can dream tonight.


(Listening to "Sleep Don't Weep"~~Damien Rice....I hope I find a place where I feel I belong...this song makes me happy. Though the days are rough...I will do what I must do to find myself)

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Working Girl


I'm working hard for the money lately, hence why I haven't posted anything lately. Well, I guess that's not entirely why I haven't been writing. I usually write when I have some sort of epiphany or complex thoughts rifling in my brain. But, I've been thinking about how I missed writing, so I'm back to the blog. (if anyone's reading anyway)


While I am happy to be working at all so I can pay rent, bills, etc., I am a little dissappointed in myself. I have a degree and I'm working to the equivalent of a McDonald's and Starbucks combination. I want to use my degree that cost thousands in a job I truly excel at.


But I digress.


I am working nice, long hours to make up for my summer hiatus, and I'm proud that I can do a job that requires 8 hours or more. Being a former college student, such a shift came once or twice a month. Now that I'm in the "real world" the 8 hour shift comes daily. I believe I have handled this "big girl job hours" quite well and without complaints. It lets me know that I can work that long in the job I LOVE!!


Oh, and on another note, I do hate the phrase "real world," but it seemed appropriate and it's meant to be sarcastic. I don't know how the world could get more real, so I hate when people say, "Well, when you enter the real world blah blah blah." This is the real world and don't talk down to me like you know something I don't.


Anyways, those are my ramblings for the day.


Peace Out :)


(Listening to "Believe" ~~The Bravery...just give me something to believe in...strive for)

Friday, August 1, 2008

I don't wanna be in love...


As a holder of a BA in English, I am an avid reader. As such, there seems to be no escape from the incessant theme of love in all manners of books. It's bad enough that when I turn on my ipod, 9.9 times out of 10 it's about love, lost and found.


Spare me. Please.


Now, I don't want to be called bitter just because I've never been in love or experienced love in that sense, but I'm tired of the nonsense of the "love idea." It's true that it does pain me to read of love never have experiencing it. I've read hundreds of books throwing love in the air as idly as one adds sugar to their iced tea. Love should not be a filler in a book, a goal or ending to a book, or movie for that matter, or spoken about so disgustingly cutsie; a way that shoves it into every love-lorn person that true love doesn't exist.


There, I said it. I don't believe in love.


Honestly.


While I want to have someone to "love" me and such and I do get bitter and sad when I'm reminded of my impending loneliness, love is indeed just a word. To me, love doesn't last and it's not certain. Like Ben Franklin said, the two things you can be certain about are death and taxes, and that's true. You come into the world alone and you will die alone. What does love do for you in the long run?


But does that mean I have to be alone and hollow? I want, not love, but understanding. I want a person who understands my flaws and oddities and accept me. Cuddle with me and keep me company till forever, however long that may be. But love....it's not something to give or take. You can't give someone a word....


While this all sounds odd coming from an avid Beatles and John Lennon fan who believes all you need is love and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make...I don't wanna be in love in all sense of the word.


I want to be wanted. I guess that's the word for it.


Sorry for rambling. Reading lovey-dovey books makes me get like this sometimes.


Night.
(Listening to "Chasing Pavements"~~Adele...makes me question should I give up or should I just keep chasing this idea of love even if it leads nowhere....)