Regret

I've decided I have a love/hate relationship with the night. I love night because that's when I'm most productive and night time is just more motivating than the day hours. There are other reasons too, but I'm not gonna list them. I'm just basically a night-owl. The hate part is that since the wheels are turning more at night, I have way too much to think about and many emotions to rifle through. By the time it's morning, I probably got half a restful night of sleep. Night time brings peace and chaos, happiness and depression, darkness with twinkling rays of light and just darkness. I hate being left to think about all the things that bother me: make me sad, afraid, useless. I could have had the best day ever, and night time comes along and I think of all the things I shoved aside so I could actually just deal with the day. I'm gonna spill out my guts here for a moment because I need a night companion.

I think I made a mistake. Big time. And while I thought that already with the first big disaster I got myself into, I think I'm making another mistake. I'm too god damn indecisive for my own well being. I thought leaving would be better. I weighed out my pros and cons and knew that I wouldn't be happy; couldn't get myself in that routine. But the thing with me is that, as always, I let my impatience get the better of me. I ran like a coward and didn't stay to weigh the options. At the time, it felt like I was hyperventilating and I had to leave right away. Looking back, I think that if someone would have told me to just stay a week and figure it out--if someone would have asked me to stay and give it time, maybe, just maybe, I'd be in a different situation. I'm thinking of that now.

If I gave it time, would I be here? So many regrets and too many hours to think about them. I wish I would have calmed down and had someone tell me to wait. That completely new places and situations where you are out of your element are scary. That the first reaction is to run, but you have to be stronger and patient. So many shoulda, coulda, woulda's....

If a certain someone reads this, know that I'm sorry and I regret what I've done. I know I've reached the point of no return, but from the pit of my soul I am sorry. I am sorry I couldn't be a better person. That I let you down. That I couldn't be there to be a friend, a crying shoulder, a sister, a guardian, whatever it is that I could be. I am completely lost without the friends I have left behind. I'm just sorry I realize all this too late in the game. But that's me isn't it? A little too late, right....

I hate the night.... ;(